The art of manipulation. — The game: she pretends to be his girlfriend, but the money he pays for the experience is real. What’s more, everything happens online. Welcome to the biggest factory of illusions ever invented: the internet! The girlfriend experience, which is pretty much receiving payment for roleplaying being somebody’s girlfriend, with all…

Narcissists minimize, exaggerate, deflect and project — Narcissists are pathological liars, it is a part of their mental makeup. They have no capacity to be completely honest. Narcs tend to swing between minimization of the facts and exaggeration of the facts. There is very little in between. And of course, the reasons they either minimize or exaggerate…

These statements are usually true, but they also help to keep the victim in an abusive relationship. Victims often feel as though they have no control over the situation and don’t know how to get out of it. These phrases can make victims feel like they’re not responsible for their…

What does healing mean for the abuser? — I told him I wanted to kill him, because then and there, I did. He was a thousand miles away at least, so we fortunately never got the chance to learn if I was serious. I wasn’t, but I still said it. The pain cut me open like rotten fruit…

Not all victims are manipulative. Feeling like a victim has taken on negative connotations, but there are people who ”play the victim” in order to manipulate you. This is a favorite defense of narcissists and other personality-disordered people. In some other instances, this behavior is learned as a child because…

A relationship with someone who suffers from BPD puts you on the fast track to a trauma bond. — Important Note: This post is about my experience dating an untreated woman who suffered from BPD. Someone who had been brutally traumatized as a child. This doesn’t excuse her abusive behavior, but it certainly explains it. Borderline Personality Disorder, in some cases, can be successfully treated and if successful, enter a state…

Men who engage sex workers are often looking for intimacy apart from sex. — Back in October, there was a Twitter thread, that I try to believe was started in earnest, surrounding the conversation about men in their 30s having less sex than they’d like — and how that should entitle them to the right to sex. I don’t rightly recall who the woman…

The most important lesson the Depp v. Heard trial should’ve taught us about narcissists went unnoticed. — I found myself in a colorful debate with two Johnny Depp supporters this past July. They felt it was problematic for us to tweet about his victory while condemning Amber Heard’s lies and behavior on the stand. The logic behind this was that we should just “ignore her” and “let…

Conflict avoidance can make happiness next to impossible. — There’s a big difference between a convenient compromise and a fair compromise. You see this play out in multiple ways in society, but it’s particularly obvious in relationships. Given any two individuals, there is almost always going to be a power discrepancy. …

How our brains can become hooked to the cycle of love and attachment Love is the drug. Throughout the ages, people have often compared love to drugs, noting the similarities between the cycle of addiction to substances and the way that we become attached to people and relationships. For many…

It’s like stepping on a Ferris Wheel and finding yourself on a Roller Coaster instead. It’s intense. It’s glorious. Until it isn’t. 30 years later, you wake up. — There’s no such thing as forever with a narcissist. Eventually, it all falls down. My relationship seemed to defy the odds. It lasted 30 years. 25 years went by before his mask really slipped. I’ve since discovered that relationships spanning 10, 20, or 30 years aren’t unusual when you’re dealing…

Since returning from a psilocybin-assisted retreat in Jamaica, many aspects of my life have begun to shift. Not only has there been massive changes in my family, with issues going back thirty years moving towards resolution, but I’ve been reevaluating the 27-year relationship with my employer. When I recently returned…

Since my ex DARVO’d me, I've learned that it's all about control. — DARVO is an acronym coined by psychologist Jennifer J. Freyd, PhD, which means to “deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender.” When we talk about DARVO, we’re talking about a very common strategy utilized by abusers in response to even the mere possibility that they might be held accountable for…

You realize there were limits before. You didn’t realize there was new ground to be broken. When a covert narcissist gets ready to discard you, the abuse gets worse. As bad as you thought it was before, it now accelerates. You realize that there were limits before. You didn’t realize…

Why it’s hard to kick the habit — Why are we prone to return to anything as distressing and problematic as a toxic relationship or a substance addiction? I have been considering the similarities between narcissistic abusive relationships and active substance addictions. There are many parallels that make it hard to kick either bad habit. In either context…

Abuse doesn’t always end with a breakup or a divorce. — Have you ever lost weight or hit the gym after a breakup to “stick it” to your ex? I have. I’ve always found that exercise is a great way to relieve stress. Looking better is just a bonus. Eventually, you feel better and that’s the real benefit. …